Life Blocks
In this post I talk about how I deal with major setbacks or "life blocks" and why I choose to keep going.
As I find myself ending the last night of my Asia trip sitting alone inside this empty internet café in the heart of Tokyo, downing my third iced coffee from the free drink bar, I can't help but take some time for reflection. How backwards is Tokyo from the concrete jungle of New York, the city I've been most attached to for the past couple years. In a sea of Japanese faces, white people are considered foreigners, pedestrians walk on the left side of the road, steering wheels are located on the right side of cars, streets are spotless, and locals bow to each other as a sign of respect, much different from the brusque interactions you typically receive from a New Yorker. And as I reflect back on these past few weeks visiting eight different cities and five different countries, my eyes open up once again to the vastness of this world. I can’t help but feel insignificant. And so once again I ask myself the question — why?
As I pick up the pen once again, I want to hone in on the motivation for why I initially decided to write. Over half a year and eight blog posts later, I’ve surprised myself at how long I've been able to stay committed to this passion project. It's almost laughable that reading and writing have now become some of my favorite hobbies, given that I despised English class during school and was a habitual sparknoter.
And so much has changed from those days as a student. I mean, what a weird time it is for myself and my fellow peers. As our childhood and adolescent years were spent fully in school preparing us for this very moment to enter the “real world”, a time when we finally decide what we want to do with our lives and what kind of impact we want to leave on this world.
Who would have thought that this kid from a small Midwestern suburb would go on to have the experiences that I’ve been able to have today. Or that one of my close highschool friend, who would rather spend Friday nights browsing online math forums than attending school dances, would also spend time as a college dropout and host parties for LA influencers. Casually scrolling through my Facebook feed, some of my former peers are even married. It’s mind-boggling to me all the various directions that everyone’s lives have taken. And so, as we all strive to figure out our place in this world that we call home and what brings meaning and purpose to each of our individual lives, I ponder a fundamental question: Why?
Why do I write? Why do I think people will care? Why do I think it will all be worth it?
I often look back at my old blog posts and cringe at the ones littered with grammatical errors or the sheer length of just text, often going on long tangents with probably an embarrassing amount of personal information and think to myself:
What the fuck, how can anyone actually read this? I can't even bring myself to read it.
I'm fully aware that these days people would much rather consume a five second clip of a TikTok rather than read a paragraph of text, yet I personally have never enjoyed posting pictures or videos of myself but for some reason find myself much more comfortable with sharing words.
I question how authentic social media is, as it takes less than a second to post a curated photo showing us at our happiest or when I see the couples whose relationships seem to be so flawless. However, I have yet to find someone who is as happy as they portray themselves on socials (I mean being happy 24/7 would be quite abnormal) and the relationships always seem to be far from perfect, in my experience. But this of course is no secret yet for a variety of reasons we still decide to press the post button (myself included).
In a world that is becoming increasingly saturated with superficial images and cherry-picked reels, I felt that I could more genuinely portray my message through writing. It was never to try and gain a massive following nor was it to generate income (I don’t ever plan on monetizing my blog). Writing gave me a much-needed outlet to express myself and release thoughts and emotions that had been weighing in on me.
One of the main reasons why I decide to post these blog posts and keep them public is that I want to tangibly showcase to myself that I am making an effort. My writing is far from perfect and may even be off-putting to some, but I find solace in knowing that my words come from a place of authenticity. I have found the most fulfillment in believing that by posting with the intention of making a positive impact, that if even one person can take an iota of positivity from my posts brings a lot more meaning and joy to my own life. And it is during those nights when I feel the most misunderstood and see a green notification pop on my phone urging me to keep going on or the mornings when I wake up to a message saying that my voice has been heard reaffirms the reason for why I write and why I keep going. As someone who has felt misunderstood and misplaced the majority of my life, it is through my words that I find a better sense of connection and belonging with others.
The second reason is that I began writing to cope with difficult emotions caused by extreme setbacks and adversity. It’s amusing to me how much society emphasizes success and winning, given that setbacks and failure are an integral part of the human experience. The heroes that we look up to in society all have had their own fair share of losses. Michael Jordan, for example, was initially cut from his high school basketball team before eventually becoming widely regarded as the greatest of all time. Similarly, J.K. Rowling faced rejection from 12 publishers and dealt with the passing of her mother while writing the Harry Potter series. During my time as a student at a hyper-competitive school, some students would complain about being a percent or two off a perfect score (I kid you not). This success-oriented culture often made it feel like setbacks and failures were a source of shame and inadequacy.
As I have grown older, I have realized that losing is inevitable. However, not all losses are equal. There are losses that are smaller than others, such as not getting into a dream school or recently purchasing my sixth pair of AirPods (embarrassing I know). Others are greater and more impactful, such as dealing with a breakup or inevitably losing people close to us.
The lows always seem to feel much lower than the highs are high, I’ve found. This is likely due to a few factors including loss aversion (the tendency for us to feel the pain of loss more acutely than the pleasure of gain), the expectation of success (while it can be motivating, it can also cause stress and anxiety when things don’t go our way), and also that these setbacks are a stark reminder of our limitations and flaws.
Although this year was filled with many highs and personal milestones, it all seems dampened by a recent major setback that I’ve had in my personal life. Without getting into specifics, this setback naturally comes with a ton of introspection and self-reflection. I once again find myself asking the question:
Why does everything seem to keep going wrong?
As I’m no stranger to setbacks, I wanted to focus this blog post on how I’ve personally dealt with setbacks and adversity. I recall the last time I felt this way, during my first semester as a freshman in college.
I’ve never really felt comfortable talking about this period of my life, even with close friends, as it was one of the darkest periods of my life. Opening up in this way makes me feel quite vulnerable, but I hope sharing this story gets my message across that it’s okay to experience loss and setbacks.
So, what made freshman year of college such a nightmare for me?
Freshman year of college, which is supposed to be the first year you get to experience freedom away from home and the joys and responsibilities of adulting was overshadowed by my first breakup and the loss of a close family member, both which occurred in the same week.
As someone who is quite emotionally sensitive, going through my first breakup was already a nightmare. After receiving the news that a close family member had left us, I was completely broken.
Navigating these dual losses at first seemed impossible, and I found myself feeling isolated and helpless. The last thing I wanted to do was to engage and make friends in my new college community and I struggled with focusing on my studies. For about three months after these events, I would spend the majority of days indoors and when forced to go outside, I would walk looking down, not wanting to engage in the world around me. Each day I would ask myself questions like:
Why am I feeling this way? What did I do to deserve this? Why does life seem so unfair?
For quite some time, I saw myself as a helpless victim. Those that have experienced a survival reaction will know the feeling all too well. I found every reason to shift blame onto others, for my own circumstances.
My mindset post-breakup reflected an etiological way of thinking, as I believed that the cause of my emotional state was rooted in the past. I blamed my breakup and the passing of a family member for my unhappiness.
The problem with etiology is that it is a deterministic way of thinking, suggesting that our present life is predetermined by factors beyond our control. This approach neglects our potential for growth and agency in the present moment, and it can limit our ability to take responsibility and create positive change.
The way I finally coped with these two incidents was shifting to a teleological view, the belief that we are not driven by past causes but rather by the meaning that we give them. No experience, in and of itself, is the cause of our success or failure. Furthermore, we are not determined by our experiences, but rather by the meaning we give them.
A lot to take in, I know.
What this meant for me was that instead of blaming past events for my current situation, I instead shifted my perspective to a positive growth opportunity. I started small, forcing myself to wake up earlier each day (I was often in bed during most of my waking hours) rather than succumbing to my sadness. Then, it became larger, waking up each day at 5 in the morning and heading to the gym alone.
I’ll never forget those gym sessions, fueled by a single cup of black coffee and the desire for wanting something more for myself. I would frequently be alone in the gym, comforted by the serenity of pumping iron. Visceral.
This photo was included because I never miss out on an opportunity to post catfish photos of myself, but also to illustrate how much growth can be achieved when you dedicate yourself to it. And honestly, not too shabby for a kid who was overweight his entire childhood and during large family gatherings, relatives would secretly whisper to each other that I looked like I desperately needed to lose weight. It’s funny how some of our greatest accomplishments arise in the midst of our darkest moments.
Once again, I’ve probably rambled on for way too long, but I’d like to finish this post with my view on the question: Why?
I don’t pretend to have the answers and still am figuring out plenty myself, but my current views on the answer to this question is that it’s deeply personal and subjective. In essence, the exact reason or grandiosity of the reason doesn’t really matter.
What you want to get out of life and why you keep going should be something that only you can answer. Simply being deeply connected to this reason and aligning it with your personal values and worldview is all that matters.
So as I deal with yet another setback, I want to embrace the mindset of looking forward, what I can learn from this and how I can become better myself each day. By doing so, I gain a better sense of my own direction and purpose.
I came across this tweet the other day which reads:
“Safety is easy. Safety is predictable. But safety is backwards. The answer to every adversity lies in courageously choosing forward.”
Even when everything seems to be falling apart, although cliché, I believe it's important to keep moving forward, even if you have no idea what the future holds. So for anyone else out there who is courageously choosing to move forward, know that you are not alone. I am rooting for you.